I thought I'd share some photographs of my journey. I do want to say before beginning, though, that the judgments I make of myself do not reflect on anyone else. For example, if I say something about my horrid baggy jeans, I just mean that baggy jeans do not work on my body - I'm not judging anyone else who wears baggy jeans. Mmmkay?

Right, now let's get the "before" photos out of the way, shall we? (I can't believe I'm posting these.)

When I started Project Jen I actually asked Grant to take photographs of me for my "before" shots. I didn't do anything to my appearance. It was at the end of a regular day and this is pretty much how I looked every day.





My, oh my. No makeup, baggy jeans, unflattering T-shirt, unkempt hair just pulled back, overweight, frumpy.

About the only positive things I can say about my appearance are:
1) I had a decent bra which lifted my bust and gave me a good shape, and
2) At least I was wearing earrings.

To prove that this was pretty much how I dressed most of the time, here are some more "before" shots from my life around then. No makeup, messy hair, plain T-shirt:



This was me actually making an effort for family photos! Baggy, ill-fitting jeans, unflattering T-shirt. At least I put on a bit of makeup and released my hair from the clip.



On holiday with Grant's parents. Loose jeans, boring polo T-shirt, hair pulled back into clips, minimal makeup.



On a typical day. Before I realised that crew-neck T-shirts are most unbecoming on my body shape.



Once I had lost a bunch of weight on Weight Watchers I started to enjoy shopping.

(March 2007) This photo was taken when I got to the top end of my healthy BMI (my official WW goal). I went on to lose another 6kg (13lb) but when this photo was taken I felt like a million bucks. This top was the first size 10 (US size 6) item of clothing that fit me. You can also see that I had started to experiment a bit with my hair, pulling some pieces forward, and wear jewellery. Still in the baggy jeans but at least they were a modern colour / wash.





(May 2007) The night Grant received a commendation for his police work. This picture isn't as flattering as this outfit was in real life. I felt so good that night! And you can see that I had started thinking more about putting outfits together and straightening my hair.



(July 2007) This was when I was at my slimmest. I loved this blouse. Still in the baggy jeans (they were so comfy!) but at least they had the more modern wash to them and the fading on the legs was a bit more flattering. Started pulling my hair to the side and straightening it, which was so much more attractive than just scraped back (like in my before photos).



(July 2007) This was a photo taken on a typical day. Grant came home from work and found Noah and I asleep on the couch. You can see that although I was wearing jeans and a T-shirt they were properly fitting jeans (in a size 8! US 6!) and a pretty floral T-shirt with a tie detail. Just as comfy as my before outfit but so much more attractive.



(February 2008) Experimenting with self-portraits. (And apparently with hair.) At my slimmest. Although it's just jeans and a T-shirt, the T-shirt is V-neck, which I had learned is more flattering on me, and the jeans are well fitted and more modern.



(July 2009) Still experimenting with hair. This was the start of my coloured shoes obsession.



(July 2009) Cut my hair short. Although I'm just wearing a T-shirt I had learned to buy cute ones with a little detail on them.



(August 2010) The picture I currently use as my avatar. I had learned to do makeup.



2009-2010 is when the weight started piling on. We were in the process of emigrating (for 2 years!) and trying to sell two houses. But even though I was gaining weight I didn't give up on Project Jen and was still learning about and experimenting with fashion and makeup. Here's a pic of me in jeggings, which was a whole new thing for me:



There are no "after" photos on Project Jen, only "during" ones. It's an ongoing thing. I am constantly learning new things and figuring out what does and doesn't work for me. But one of the things I've learned is that it is worth the effort - not because people see me differently, but because I see myself differently and feel so much better.

Oh my gosh, it's been an AGE since I posted on here! But don't worry, Project Jen is still on the go. Although I have gained a lot of weight while emigrating, I've gone on to lose almost half of it - but Project Jen was never just about weight, it was about making the most of myself and going "from frumpy to fabulous" and that can be done whatever my size.

I thought I'd do a post about the changes that I have made along this journey.

I started this blog and project in December 2006. As I said in my first post, "What is Project Jen? It's a makeover project. It's me reaching a point where I'm tired of looking frumpy and scruffy and unkempt. I'm done childbearing and now I'm reclaiming my body and fine tuning it. My goals include:

- losing 14kg (2st3lb / 31lb) and fitting into a size 12
- focusing on better grooming, including nails, using a hair straightener and taking more care with my make-up
- trendier clothes
- drinking 2 litres of water a day
- taking care to eat a little better / less

Why am I suddenly motivated to do this? I have reached a point where I am just tired all the time because I'm unfit. My clothes don't fit me because I'm between sizes, and those that do fit don't look good because I'm overweight. I'm fed up of the "muffin top" (the bulge above my waistband) and my big bum. My body finally feels like it's back to "normal" (ha!) after having Noah and I just feel like my efforts at losing weight by exercising will pay off. I've done it before and I know I can do it again. Because I've done it before I know that it takes discipline and motivation."

And it has. But it's been so worth it. Let's go over my initial goals and see how I've done with them.

Lose 14kg (2st3lb / 31lb) and fit into a size 12
I went on to lose around 15kg (2st5lb / 33lb) and was thrilled to be wearing clothes in sizes 8-10! What a feeling. I kept the weight off for over 3 years, until the extremely stressful period of emigrating from the UK to New Zealand, which took two years. I'm working on eradicating the resulting weight gain.

Focus on better grooming, including nails, using a hair straightener and taking more care with my make-up
I am proud to say I am doing great with this! Anytime my toes are likely to be on show in sandals I have my toenails painted (I only let them go bare in the middle of winter). I do my nails and straighten my hair and keep it in an actual style. I spent a lot of time watching YouTube tutorials and practising and can now do my makeup well and I actually bother to do my face when I'm going out in public. I experiment with different makeup looks. Just this week two people complimented me on my eyeliner :) All around, a big change from how I used to be. It does help that I don't have very young kids anymore and have more time!

Trendier clothes
Hmm, tricky to answer this with a straight up "yes" as I don't always buy into the latest trends but I do make an effort to put together outfits and accessorise. Fashion is such a personal way of expressing yourself. I may not be in the latest and greatest runway trends but I am wearing my style and making an effort so in my opinion I've met this goal. (You can see some of my outfits here on my blog.)

Drink 2 litres of water a day; take care to eat a little better / less
Yes - although water will always be a bit of a battle for me. 2 litres is just too much for me but I am definitely drinking more / as much as I can. As for eating, Weight Watchers has taught me what I need to know in terms of what's appropriate to eat and how much. I don't always follow the plan to the letter but right now I am very focused on it and losing weight without feeling deprived or resorting to faddy diets, so another goal met.

Overall this project (which is an ongoing one) has been a resounding success for me and I feel so much better about myself. It's wonderful to receive compliments on my clothes, jewellery, makeup and hair, and how put-together I look. I don't have to feel like I'm letting Grant down when I'm out with him, or embarrassing the kids.

Don't get me wrong, I don't swan out of the house looking like a fashion plate every day. But making small changes can make a big difference - like bothering to put on some mascara and blush, taking an extra minute to add a pretty necklace or earrings, buying pretty things instead of boring practical basics. One of the things I've learned is that those little things can be done no matter what your size is - so what if you are overweight, you deserve to have nice things and look cute anyway. In fact, it's even more important to make a bit of effort to look pulled together.

So here's to more of the same. In fact today I am going shopping with a friend and will be looking out for some cute accessories. I'm wearing skinny jeans, pink ballet flats, a bit of silver jewellery and subtle makeup and my nails are hot pink. I feel good - and that's what it's all about.

Whew, it's been a while! But I'm glad to say that I am back at WW and actually enjoying it. HOORAY! I thought I'd never get there in my head.

I finally got to that magical place where I felt motivated. Although, I have to admit I am more easily distracted that when I first did WW and it doesn't take much to almost derail my efforts and get me off track. But I have done well so far.

I've been back for about 3 weeks. I went back to my meeting, trying a morning meeting instead of the evening one (it works better for me!) on 19 May and weighed 10st7lb (147lb) - yikes, that's 1lb over my original goal weight! That's 1lb over my healthy range! It totally freaked me out and that was it, I was back in the game.

In the first week I lost 3.5lb!! I was totally over the moon, especially since I'd been a bit naughty on the weekend and hadn't been sure I'd lose.

The second week I was also a bit naughty on the weekend and stayed the same that week - I was glad of it and glad I hadn't gained!

And then the third week I lost 2lb. I was so thrilled. I'd not felt as if I'd lost that week so it was a nice surprise.

I also mentioned to my leader, Lesley, that I was due my second gold star for my keyring - actually I was due it in March - for staying within my goal weight for a second year running. She made me stand up in front of the meeting, congratulated me and gave me the star, asked me to tell everyone my story and how I'd accomplished it, etc.

It was a really good experience for me. Since losing weight down to 9st5lb I have only been watching my weight go up a bit, then get it back down a bit, then putting a bit more on, fretting about the junk I was eating, trying to get motivated, etc. But you know what? I lost enough weight to get into a healthy range and have kept enough off to stay in my healthy range for two years. It was time I owned it and gave myself credit for it. So I really enjoyed that feeling of success and accomplishment.

This week I am feeling very motivated and on-track. Grant is working this weekend which will make it easier for me to stay on track! I find it's when he's off and we go and about and do stuff that I end up eating badly.

I have also found that if I stay off bread and rolls I am waaaaay less tired and don't have that desperate "I neeeed a nap" thing in the afternoon. Hmmmmm. I was always one of those people who said, "I could never give up bread," but I'm finding it quite easy, to be honest. It got to the point where any refined carbs such as bread, cake, cookies just make me feel like crap when I ate them - completely lethargic, irritible and tired. So much so that I don't even want them now, and when I do, I'll have a little in the evening because I'm going to bed soon anyway. It's working for me.

So here's to new beginnings and fresh starts! I'm now aiming to get down to around 9st (126lb) and see how I feel, how I look and how much hard work it is to maintain it. If it's a pain to stick to that weight I'm not going to force myself to - life is about more than being thin. It's also about birthday cake, eating out with friends and family, little treats and delicious new recipes and I have to have room in my life for those things.

I'm still around! Have been working on the balance thing and still struggling with SAD. Am getting there in my head with regards to exercise - you know how you have to reach that point mentally? Eating ... not too bad although had two very naughty days on Friday and Saturday. I just feel cruddy for it, so it's not tempting to repeat. My oven has packed up, so no baking for now.

One day at a time.

Okay, still not counting points or food journaling but making much better choices. Trying to find that balance that I can live with right now.

I had a chat with my friend Rebecca, who is a WW leader. I laid it all out on her (whinge, whinge) about how I'm struggling, why I'm struggling, etc and asked what she'd advise. She suggested I take a break from counting points and doing WW for a bit and one of two things would happen: either the weight I'd gain during that time would shock me into action and I'd be motivated again, or I would realise I'm just not ready to lose or follow the WW plan right now.

So I took a break. It's only been 5 days and you know what? It has really helped. I have realised that I am ready. I do feel better when eating right. I do want it badly enough. I am ready to stop gaining. I'm ready to accept that it's not always easy, but it is always worth it.

That's progress!

I have been finding it hard to be on low points. I am supposed to be on 18 points and have been cruising along just below that. Why? Because I hoard my points because I feel like I'm going to run out and not have enough to account for my evening snacking. And then, come evening, I have all these points left over so I eat them, just because I can. And then I go to bed. Not good.

So I'm going to try what my friend Rachel does: she starts her points right before supper instead of each morning. Then she has her supper, eats whatever snacks she needs to (not eating just because she can) and finds it easier to pull back on breakfast or lunch if she needs to. So that's what I'm going to try, to see if it works out a bit better.

I'm also not going to be so rigid about not going over 18 points. I'd rather eat 20, 21, even 22 healthy points in a day and take a little longer to lose the extra pounds than cave again because "it's too hard".

I'm on the fence about whether I want to go and weigh in on Tuesday. Grant was remarking that he can definitely see that I've lost, no matter what the scale said last time, and I can feel I have lost. My period is over so no more water retention. BUT I've been naughty this weekend and will probably see that on the scale and I'm in a good place mentally and don't want to set myself back with a bad weigh-in (again).

I think I'm going to skip it and go next week.

So I'm going to start my points before dinner tomorrow night and go from there. My only worry this week is that we have friends coming to stay the night on Friday and although I'll be cooking we have to factor in some treats, right? Well, we do, that's how it's done in my world lol. And then on Saturday we'll be having Chinese with Rebecca and her family. Sure, I can and will make healthy choices but I won't be denying myself of everything, as what's the point? So we'll see how that goes and how it affects next week's weigh in.

I need to accept that it's okay to just maintain right now and tackle the weight loss goal in the new year, if that's what needs to happen. I need to adjust my expectations so that any loss is a bonus, but maintaining is my goal. I'll work on that.

I'm struggling so badly with SAD right now. I feel so fed up and down and light therapy doesn't seem to be helping much. I just kind of crashed yesterday and am taking a break from point counting for a week. It just feels like, why bother? I'm feeling like crap physically, I'm not losing weight, I'm struggling with it and it's more effort than I can expend right now. I'll see how I feel next week.

Tonight was weigh-in night at WW. Again, I was very curious to see what I'd lost as I had been eating 16-18 points all week except my birthday, when I went way over and didn't count. I'm supposed to be on 18 points so by keeping to 18 points for one day then 16-17.5 the rest of the days was supposed to make up for the one day of going over.

I was quite fed-up to find I'd stayed the same. Ugh.

I had a chat with my leader about why I still want to lose and she is supportive of it. She said I just need to exercise, which I know ... ugh, I am in such rebelious phase about it. I SO don't feel like it even though I know it will help with weight loss as well as SAD.

Anyway, working it out, there are a number of reasons why I haven't lost. It could be one, a few or all of these reasons:

1) I always put on weight at this time of year. Always.

2) Even though I pointed it in, I know homemade bread is supposedly evil for weight loss. I usually eat Weight Watchers or Danish bread which is light - homemade bread, not so much. I have WW scales so made sure to weigh the bread I ate and point it, but still.

3) I am due on my period and am retaining water.

4) Even though I kept to my points I snacked late at night almost every night, having something quite soon before I went to bed. Basically I spent most of my points from dinnertime onwards.

5) The Italian meal I had for my birthday must have been like a million points.

6) No exercise or even basic active lifestyle. Been v sedentery.

I just felt really fed-up about it (although not as much as I did last week, go figure!) I just feel like it is hard work and requires discipline and juggling to stick to 18 points - I don't want to have to stay on 18 points for the rest of my life just to maintain!! I'm just going to have to force myself to exercise.

Actually, having accepted that, I do feel more motivated about it ... now to use that to put myself into action.

OH and I learnt something else tonight: what I thought was a portion of fruit / veg is totally not a portion, it's more like 2 or 3 sometimes. So when I've been writing that I've eaten 5 portions of fruit / veg, it's usually more like 6-10!!!! Mad.

So - official WW weight: still 9st11.5lb (137.5lb)

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
big bowl butternut soup - 0
homemade bread - 1

Afternoon snack
apple - 0.5

Supper
roast chicken, skin removed (leg and thigh) - 4
baked new potatoes - 1
green beans steamed in chicken stock with onion and pepper - 0
steamed carrot and broccoli - 0
gravy - 1.5

Evening snack
WW choc eclair - 1.5
Go Ahead fruit bake - 2

TOTAL POINTS: 15
WATER: 1 glasses (hey, I was getting weighed!!)
FRUIT & VEG: 8 portions (insane!)
MOVEMENT: minimal

Notes: I found myself in a totally baffling position tonight - I was full up, ready for bed and hadn't eaten 16 points like I'm supposed to. I was totally befuddled by this as I've never experienced it before!! I have read or heard of other people moaning about how they struggle to eat all of their points in a day and I've always kind of mentally rolled my eyes and thought, "Gee, give me your problems!" But now I know how it feels.

I am supposed to be on 18 points and a brownie would take care of those last 3 points (I have some in the freezer) but I actually didn't want one!! I was like, "What have I become?!"

So tonight I am going to just accept that I've eaten plenty today, and at 8 portions I'm sure that vegetables, although 0 points, do eventually become points if you eat enough, right? Besides, I'm going out to eat tomorrow night and may or may not make the best choices (I'm being realistic, okay?) so I'd rather save the points than force myself to eat when I don't want to - which is what I'm trying to overcome anyway.

But man, it's weird to sit here with a fully belly and write 15 points as my total for the day. Weird.

Breakfast
oats porridge - 2
skim milk - 0.5
sugar - 0.5

Lunch
big bowl vegetable soup - 0
butter beans (added to soup) - 0.5
homemade bread - 1

Supper
WW spaghetti carbonara - 7
steamed carrot, cabbage, green beans - 0

Evening snack
apple - 0.5
Cadbury's Highlights Nibbles - 1.5
half slice homemade bread, toasted - 1
peanut butter - 1.5

TOTAL POINTS: 16
WATER: 6 glasses (yay me!)
FRUIT & VEG: 4 portions
MOVEMENT: minimal

Notes: I really tried hard with the water today and did really well! I am comfortable with 5 glasses normally so 6 is great for me.

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Mid morning snack
Alpen bar - 1

Lunch
big bowl vegetable soup - 0
butter beans (added to soup) - 0.5
homemade bread - 1.5

Supper
pasta - 3
pesto - 2
grated cheese - 1
steamed carrot, cabbage, green beans - 0

Dessert
WW choc eclair - 1.5

Evening snack
apple - 0.5
half slice homemade bread, toasted - 1
peanut butter - 1.5

TOTAL POINTS: 17
WATER: 3.5 glasses (sigh)
FRUIT & VEG: 5-6 portions (yay me!)
MOVEMENT: minimal

Notes: I'm really struggling to drink more water - I think because the weather is cold. I think I've done very well eating-wise this week; can't wait to see what tomorrow's weigh-in shows. Although, am still retaining water (pms) which doesn't help.

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
2 slices Danish wholewheat toast - 1.5
low fat mayo - 0.5
cheddar cheese - 1
sliced tomato and cucumber - 0

Afternoon snack
apple - 0.5

Supper
spaghetti - 3
bolognese sauce - 2
grated cheese - 1

Evening snack
apple - 0.5
NikNaks - 2.5
half slice homemade bread, toasted - 1
Laughing Cow low fat cheese triangle - 0.5

TOTAL POINTS: 17.5
WATER: 3 glasses (must do better!)
FRUIT & VEG: 5 portions (yay me!)
MOVEMENT: minimal

Notes: SAD lamp made a big difference again today. I should have gone to bed earlier instead of snacking, but was listening to the conference talks. Why did I have the NikNaks?? Just because I could, quite honestly. They weren't even all that great. Idiot.

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
half a sweet potato, nuked - 2
sauteed mushrooms - 0
1 slice Danish wholewheat toast - 0.5
Laughing Cow light cheese triangle - 0.5

Afternoon snack
apple - 0.5

Supper
WW hearty lamb stew - 4.5

Evening snack
grapes - 0.5
WW ginger pudding - 2.5
low fat custard - 1.5

TOTAL POINTS: 16
WATER: 3.5 glasses (must do better!)
FRUIT & VEG: 5 portions (yay me!)
MOVEMENT: minimal, just the usual walking to school and back 3 times. Oh, and to the end of the road and back for a haircut

Notes: I used my SAD lamp this morning and it made a difference. I had a little more energy and was less hungry. I am loving my new system of cooking: I cook Weight Watchers meals out of the many WW cookbooks I have (I bought 2 from my meetings, the rest I got on eBay). Each recipe makes 4 portions. I eat one, Grant eats one, the boys share one and I freeze the last one. Grant has been on late shifts this week, which means he's not home for supper. I feed the boys something like fish fingers, oven chips and baked beans and I have a choice of WW (homemade) ready meals from out the freezer. It's great!

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
spaghetti - 2
roasted vegetable sauce - 0.5
vanilla low fat yoghurt - 1.5

Afternoon snack
2 clementines - 0.5
small bowl of pickled beets - 0

Supper
WW tuna and wild rice bake - 6

Evening snack
tropical fruit smoothie - 1.5
2 slices Danish wholewheat toast - 1.5
2 Laughing Cow low fat cheese triangles - 1

TOTAL POINTS: 18
WATER: 4 glasses
FRUIT & VEG: 6 portions (YAY me!)
MOVEMENT: walked to school and back 3 times; did a little yoga

Notes: I have brought my SAD light up out of the cellar as I can really feel I need it. With the change of season I am so tired and hungry and moody and sad. Here's hoping it will help. My body really felt better with the yoga, even though I didn't complete the whole hour and was interrupted twice by the kids.

Today is my birthday and I decided that I would have a noc-count day as a treat.

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk

Lunch
tortelloni alla panna at Mamma's Too restaurant
a couple of deep-fried battered mushrooms with a smear of garlic sauce
a little salad
half a slice of black forest gateau

Supper
leftover tortelloni

Evening snack
2 brownies

TOTAL POINTS: ??
WATER: 2 glasses (bad!)
FRUIT & VEG: 2 portions
MOVEMENT: does napping count?

Notes: Better mood today and have put the whole points / weight thing into better perspective. Back to counting points tomorrow.

Tonight was weigh-in night at WW. I was quite excited to go and see how I'd done this week. I've been feeling SO fed-up and miserable and felt like a decent loss at WW would be the little boost I needed to keep going with point counting as I've found it hard this week.

Well, I only lost a pound and you would have sworn I'd gained it by how I felt. So fed-up! I really was. I guess for two reasons: 1) each time I've started WW (twice before) I had a really good loss the first week (4lb and 3.5lb respectively) and 2) when I was on WW the first six months (until I stopped) I lost an average of 2lb a week.

I have been so disciplined this last week, even though I found it quite hard and tedious, so to "only" have lost a pound really got me down.

But, WHAT?! Get over it! That's like a whole brick of margarine that I've shed from my body. I've lost one-sixth of the weight I had gained since February. I'm one pound closer to where I want to be, which isn't even that far away. I need to get over myself and keep on trucking, I know. It's just hard when it's been a crappy day mood-wise and I was so counting on a boost this evening, rather than keeping the bigger picture in focus.

Grant says that he can already see that I've lost weight. I know little things like what I've eaten or drunk during the day can affect the weigh-in, as can where I am in my cycle (retaining water, as evidenced by my sore boobs!) and I really need to take back the power that I've given to that stupid number on the scale.

So - official WW weight: 9st11.5lb (137.5lb)

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
pasta - 2
roasted veg sauce - 0.5

Afternoon snack
chocolate - 0.5
cereal bar - 2

Supper
pasta bake - 7

Evening snack
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

TOTAL POINTS: 19
WATER: 2 glasses (bad!)
FRUIT & VEG: 2 portions
MOVEMENT: does napping count?

Notes: So miserable and moody today. Ugh.

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
2 slices Danish toast - 1.5
baked beans - 2

Supper
McDonald's chicken salad deli sandwich (no cheese) - 5.5
side salad - 0
dressing - 1

Evening snack
WW sticky chicken stir-fried with brown rice and soy sauce and shared with Grant - 2
Cadbury's Highlights nibbles - 1.5
one bite of brownie - 1

TOTAL POINTS: 18
WATER: 3 glasses
FRUIT & VEG: 3 portions
MOVEMENT: walked to school and back three times, walked into town and back

Notes: We took the boys to McDonald's to celebrate Daniel learning to ride his bike. Originally I had planned on eating at home before we went and then just having a little treat there, but we ended up going early and I was starving. I ordered the chicken deli sandwich on brown, I ordered it as a meal with a salad and water instead of fries and a drink - how disciplined was that?! But even though it's supposedly a healthy option, it's still fast food and I felt it afterward. By the time we came home I was craving junk and really wanted something sweet. I resisted though!

I'm just forging ahead with my goal, I want to lose about a stone (14lb) by Christmas, then I can go onto maintenance points and actually be able to enjoy more treats over Christmas time without "blowing it". I know myself well enough that I know I'll indulge a little more than I should, but I'm okay with that so long as it's conscious decisions and not mindless eating. And if I gain a little, well it will come off in the new year. It's all about balance and staying in control.

For now, though, I'm kind of bored of counting points already. Grant is impressed with how disciplined I've been but it's only because I am determined to get to my goal quicker so that I can increase my points. That's why I never did the proper maintenance routine last time: I was bored of counting points, bored of following WW. I still need to fully accept that it's a necessary tool for me to stay in control long term.

One day at a time.

I do feel like I've lost this week; we'll see tomorrow evening. The next day is my birthday and Grant and I are going out to lunch for delicious Italian (sod the healthy choice for one meal - well, two if you count the leftovers I'll have for supper!) and I may even indulge in a brownie or two. Then it's back on track the next morning.

Conscious choices and balance. I'm learning.

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
leftover roast pork - 1.5
2 slices Danish toast - 1.5
Spur sauce - 1

Afternoon snack
apple - 0.5
Alpen cereal bar - 1

Supper
2 low fat sausages - 2
steamed potatoes - 1
low fat mayo - 1
salad - 0

Dessert
WW ginger pud - 2.5
low fat custard - 1.5

Evening snack
apple - 0.5
1 slice Danish toast - 0.5
Laughing Cow extra light cheese triangle - 0.5

TOTAL POINTS: 18.5
WATER: 3 glasses
FRUIT & VEG: 3 portions
MOVEMENT: minimal

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
leftover roast pork - 1.5
2 slices Danish toast - 1.5
Spur sauce - 1.5

Afternoon snack
apple - 0.5
Alpen cereal bar - 1

Supper
WW smoked mackerel hotpots - 7.5
1 slice Danish toast - 0.5
steamed carrots - 0

Evening snack
homemade chocolate brownie - 3
apple - 0.5
1 slice Danish toast - 0.5
Laughing Cow extra light cheese triangle - 0.5

TOTAL POINTS: 22
WATER: 4 glasses
FRUIT & VEG: 4 portions
MOVEMENT: minimal

Emotions: So much better today.

Other notes: I made pancakes today and froze them (well, those that the boys and Grant didn't eat) and I didn't even eat one. I also made flapjacks for Daniel, but I wasn't tempted as I don't really care for them. However, I do adore the chocolate brownies I made but after calculating the points for the whole recipe (70.5!!!) I cut them into 24 little brownies of 3 points each and I only had one. I sent half of them to work with Grant and froze the rest. I was sorely tempted to eat more than one but overcame temptation, so yay me!

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
gnocchi - 2
homemade tomato sauce - 0
grated cheese - 1
big bowl of mashed butternut - 0

Afternoon snack
apple - 0.5

Supper
WW sticky chicken - 2.5
white rice - 3
steamed broccoli - 0

Evening snack
chocolate - 3.5
1 slice Danish toast - 0.5
Laughing Cow extra light cheese triangle - 0.5

TOTAL POINTS: 17
WATER: 5 glasses
FRUIT & VEG: 5 portions (yay me!)
MOVEMENT: walked to school and back once; some housework

Emotions: Oh my gosh, SO up and down. Had some issues with Grant that I need to work through. The children upset me at supper time and I ended the day alone and in tears. The chocolate was much needed! But it was a decision to treat myself, not a response to a craving. It's not even hormones either. Ugh. Tomorrow is a new day.

Other notes: I find that 5 glasses of water is about my limit; I struggle to drink more than that. I'm happy with that. I feel like I have enough during the day.

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
2 slices Danish toast - 1.5
baked beans - 2

Afternoon snack
vegetable soup - 0
2 freshly baked jam cakes - 3
apple - 0.5

Supper
WW traditional roast pork - 4
butternut mash, cauliflower - 0
peas - 0.5
gravy - 1

Evening snack
apple - 0.5
2 slices Danish toast - 1.5
2 tsp butter - 2
strawberry jam - 0.5

TOTAL POINTS: 20.5
WATER: 4 glasses
FRUIT & VEG: 6 portions (YAY me!)
MOVEMENT: walked to school and back three times; long walk around town

Emotions: Fairly stable. I only baked because we had 5 open jars of jam in the fridge and I didn't want them to go to waste. The kids have enjoyed the jam cakes (if they hadn't I would haev sent them into work with Grant). This evening I was SO snacky - not even particularly hungry, but my mouth was totally craving something. Eating an apple didn't help so I settled on toast and jam and it did the trick. Have been feeling v tired; going to bed a bit early.

Breakfast
omelette made with 1 egg and 1 egg white - 1.5
mushrooms - 0
small glass of orange juice - 0.5

Lunch
2 turkey burger patties - 2
2 slices Danish toast - 1.5
ketchup - 0.5

Supper
WW toad in the hole with gravy - 5.5
steamed broccoli, cauliflower, carrots - 0

Dessert
WW strawberry-lime cheesecake - 1

Evening snack
apple, chopped and cooked in microwave - 0.5
caramel fudge sauce - 1
crumbled digestive - 1.5
ice cream - 1.5

TOTAL POINTS: 17
WATER: 5 glasses
FRUIT & VEG: 5 portions (yay me!)
MOVEMENT: not much

Emotions: Upbeat. I resisted temptation when we went to Tesco. I did want to mention that the WW cheesecake was home made from a WW recipe and made with sugar free jelly. It was okay - won't make it again - but because I never eat sweetners I really noticed a difference when I had some in the jelly. It made me feel crappy hours later and left a vague taste in my mouth and left me craving something sweet. Totally reinforced my prejudice against sweetners.

I went to Weight Watchers tonight for the first time since February. I had to start attending meetings again, and tonight was facing the truth and taking it from there. In the last eight months I have gained 6lb. I'm okay with that. Here's to new beginnings!

I was saying to Grant that the last time I did WW it was partly about becoming healthier but mainly about losing weight. This time it's mainly about a long-term healthy lifestyle, but partly about losing weight. I plan to stick with it from now on, although I'm realistic to know that there will be ups and downs along the way.

So - official WW weight: 9st12.5lb (138.5lb)

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
spaghetti, roasted vegetable sauce - 2.5

Afternoon snack
Alpen bar - 1

Supper
takeout pizza - 12

TOTAL POINTS: 19
WATER: 5 glasses
FRUIT & VEG: 3 portions
MOVEMENT: walked to school and back three times; some cleaning around the house.

Emotions: Cheerful mood. The pizza for dinner probably wasn't the healthiest choice but it was my treat night and I kept within my points, which I'm pleased about, and it won't be a weekly occurrence. All in all I feel very positive and in control. I'm looking forward to a good week and a good weigh-in next week.

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
omelette made with one egg and one egg white - 1.5
heap of sauteed mushrooms - 0
grated cheese - 1

Supper
WW hearty lamb stew - 4.5

Dessert
WW ginger pudding - 3.5
low fat custard - 1.5

TOTAL POINTS: 15.5
WATER: 5 glasses
FRUIT & VEG: 3 portions
MOVEMENT: next to nothing - not feeling well, just vegged again

Emotions: For some reason I was really emotional and sad today. Not sure why. Also still feel like I'm fighting a cold (sore throat, aches etc). Supper was really filling so I waited until later to have the ginger pudding that I'd baked. I didn't really even want it because I was still satisfied from supper but ate it anyway - why do I do that?? Just because it's there? It's freezable, so it wasn't like it had to be eaten or go to waste. Ugh. It doesn't matter that I could "afford" it with points, it's about training my body to eat when I'm hungry and not eat when I'm not. Okay, letting go ... learn from my mistakes and don't repeat them, right? I'm trying.

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
2oz turkey burger patty - 1
2 slices Danish toast - 1.5
tomato, pickles, etc - 0

Supper
roast potato - 1.5
mashed potato - 1
roast chicken - 2
carrots, Brussels sprouts - 0
gravy - 1
roast parsnips - 0.5
stuffing - 1
cordial - 0.5

Dessert
cheesecake - 8?
birthday cake - 10?

TOTAL POINTS: 31.5
WATER: 5.5 glasses
FRUIT & VEG: 2-3 portions
MOVEMENT: next to nothing - not feeling well, just vegged again

Emotions: It was another perfect day for snacking but I actually had none. We had supper at our friends' house. I ate a very reasonable portion, didn't overeat. I did drink the cordial that they'd already poured for me, but that was only half a point. I enjoyed the cheesecake they served for dessert, but didn't have seconds. I did have birthday cake later. It was okay; I really didn't enjoy the thick icing but Paige was so proud of her fancy iced cake and there was no way to discretely leave the icing - I made the choice to eat all of it rather than offend her.

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
2 slices Danish toast - 1.5
baked beans - 2
sprinkling of grated parmesan (not even 1g) - 0

Supper
WW tuna and wild rice bake - 6
carrots, green beans - 0
peas, corn - 0.5

Evening snack
apple: peeled, cut up and microwaved - 0.5
digestive biscuit: crumbled over apple - 1
toffee fudge sauce - 1
small scoop ice cream - 1.5

TOTAL POINTS: 17.5
WATER: 3.5 glasses (no excuse really)
FRUIT & VEG: 5 portions (yay!)
MOVEMENT: next to nothing - stayed in all day and vegged

Emotions: It was a perfect day for snacking but I actually had none. Grant was working and the boys and I just hung out all day, doing nothing productive. Weather miserable, windy and rainy. I had breakfast late and then got involved with blogging and playing Wii with the boys so we had lunch late and before I knew it, it was supper time. Made the apple dessert for Grant and I in the evening. All in all a good day; I feel in control. I enjoyed cooking supper. Thought briefly about chocolate but it was such a fleeting craving I paid it no mind.

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Morning snack
Alpen cereal bar - 1

Lunch
2oz turkey burger patty - 1
2 slices Danish toast - 1.5
tomato, pickles, etc - 0

Afternoon snack
1 slice toast - 0.5
Laughing Cow extra light triangle cheese - 0.5

Supper
homemade pizza and 1.5 dough balls - 14?
salad dressing to dip - 2

Evening snack
Jumping Jack salted popcorn - 0.5

TOTAL POINTS: approx 24.5
WATER: 3.5 glasses (I went out today, so didn't drink as much)
FRUIT & VEG: 2-3 portions
MOVEMENT: 5,060 steps

Emotions: A bit up and down. Noah was a bit stressful today. I had a fairly high point supper but planned for it and chose it - still feeling in control. I did find it pretty tempting to be out shopping this morning - all of the snacks in the shops looked good. I'm fine until I see something, then I crave it. But I bravely resisted! After lunch I felt "snacky" and like I wanted something sweet so I chewed some chewing gum and it worked to satisfy that. Thanks, Di, for the tip! Made pizza for supper but I made sure to roll the crust thin and load up with veges. Watched a movie as a family with popcorn but I didn't have any of theirs - I had a bag of Jumping Jack popcorn which is only half a point.

Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
pasta - 2
roasted veg sauce - 0.5
grated cheese - 1

Afternoon snack
1 slice toast - 0.5
Laughing Cow extra light triangle cheese - 0.5

Supper
Southwestern turkey burger (split into two) - 2
two small bread rolls - 4
tomatoes, lettuce, pickles - 0
ketchup - 0.5
Spur sauce - 1

Evening snack
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

TOTAL POINTS: 19
WATER: 5.5 glasses
FRUIT & VEG: 4 portions
MOVEMENT: 9,700 steps (1 activity point earned)

Emotions: Pretty upbeat today. Kept busy, no stress. No cravings.

I have sorely neglected this blog. I've not been eating very well and have slipped into old habits. Not dreadful, but certainly not ideal and my jeans are a bit tight and I know I've gained. I think my biggest mistake was simply losing interest once I got to 9st6lb last June ... I never did the maintenance routine as I was tired of tracking and counting points and wanted a break.

Well, I've had my break and have started to track again. I've done really well this week but couldn't go to WW last night as Grant was working. Luckily there is only one week in every five that he's working and I can't go. I'll be going down next week. I'm not sure what I'll weigh on the WW scales in the evening but on my own scales, naked and first thing in the morning I am 9st8lb (134lb).

I have to say that I have been following Roni's blog more closely and she is such an inspiration. I just love how she is so enthusiastic and how she really cares and is passionate about healthy eating, but is totally practical and realistic as well. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about her approach, about how it's not on plan or off plan, on track or off, it's living life. And you just have to choose how you're going to live it and how you're going to treat the body you have. I think the most influential thing she's said was something like: Every choice is exactly that - a new choice and it has nothing to do with what you had for lunch.

I'm going to try tracking what I eat on here, because that will hopefully keep me posting and accountable rather than only posting on weigh-in day - after all, it's the day-to-day decisions that are more important than the weekly weigh-in.

So, today I had (and point value):
Breakfast
50g muesli with skim milk - 3.5

Lunch
spaghetti - 2
roasted veg sauce (I prepared a batch and froze in portions last week) - 0.5
grated cheese - 1

Afternoon snack
1 slice toast - 0.5
Laughing Cow extra light triangle cheese - 0.5

Supper
Grant was at work and I have been craving some kind of apple dessert so I chose to have a low point supper which was basically a repeat of lunch with a little extra veg and protein thrown in - this left me enough points for dessert

pasta - 3
roasted veg sauce - 0.5
extra mushrooms and carrots - 0
leftover low fat sausage - 1.5

Evening snack
apple, cut up and microwaved with a little water to steam it, then drained - 0.5
15g toffee fudge sauce - 1
digestive biscuit, crumbled - 1
tiny scoop vanilla ice cream - 1.5

TOTAL POINTS: 17
WATER: 5 glasses
FRUIT & VEG: 5 portions (yay!)
MOVEMENT: minimal - only walked to school and back three times

Emotions: The weather is frightful at the moment, really windy and cold and I did find myself wanting to bake. When I stopped to think about it, it wasn't that I even wanted to eat anything in particular, I just wanted the cosy homey-ness of baking so I resisted. I knew if I gave in then I would only eat the baked goods even though I didn't specially want them.

If I still feel like baking on Saturday I might make something to take to the Hughes's on Sunday (we're going there for dinner).

Weigh in day was yesterday and I gained a pound. I'm not surprised. I've been really demotivated this week and have been picking on all sorts and eating chocolate. It doesn't help that I made this and this when we had guests on the weekend. Oh well, we'll see if I can get back into gear this week!

Okay, so I've been slacking on this blog a bit! I didn't go back to WW until last week, when I went to my new meeting. I really like my leader and I love that I can just walk down to the meeting, but what I loved most is that I only gained another 3lb over Christmas. So, total gain since I reached 9st 6lb in June = 6lb.

So I was back on the wagon last week except for the dinner party we had on Saturday (I didn't count points on the weekend) and I was thrilled to go for weigh in on Tuesday and discover that in the last week I lost 4lb! Yay me!! I still want to lose another 10lb or so and then see from there.